Daniel Winn’s Resolutions
January 25, 2018
"Goals belong on a spectrum, so I will put my goals in a list beginning with the ones I think are the most attainable, ranging to (you guessed it) the ones I will likely fail to achieve and pretend I never cared about to begin with..."
- D. Winn
Before I set my New Year’s resolutions, I must clarify that I consider this ‘year’ to begin January 25th, 2018 and end January 24th, 2019, because I don’t want any of the pitiful days that started this month to lower my overall record, or besmirch my accomplishments, and because I simply refuse to allow the Gregorians (or the Roman Empire) to dictate my timeframe for self improvement. Bill Dellinger had his runners start workouts in the middle of the track, which corroborates me metaphorically (though not actually). If—and that’s a small ‘if’—I was to race a race, I would automatically understand the range of times that I would be thrilled about, happy about, okay with, and distraught over. With a calendar year it is not quite the same thing.
Goals belong on a spectrum, so I will put my goals in a list beginning with the ones I think are the most attainable, ranging to (you guessed it) the ones I will likely fail to achieve and pretend I never cared about to begin with. My first hurdle practice was Monday and there is so much to improve I couldn’t enumerate each aspect and have room in the list for anything else, so I’ll leave it out entirely. Conveniently, I don’t particularly want to elaborate on that anyway. When I race my first steeplechase, you’ll see what I mean. Keep in mind I believe it is a grave error to run out of goals.
Watch all the movies nominated for major Oscars (except for super hero movies and sequels which shouldn’t be supported financially, or otherwise, until studios get their act together).
Squat 200 lbs. 4x4 times (with good form).
Only be late to practice a handful more times. Gags will be happy to hear this goal.
Have a 100 day streak on Duolingo.
Become goth just to see what it’s all about.
Stop needing a maps app to navigate Brooklyn and Manhattan.
Go on a (1) date.
Not apologize as much... Sorry to the people who wish I would apologize more.
Finish most of the books I start.
Get my left eye to stop squinting too much when I smile.
Have someone call me cool (non-sarcastically).
Become rich beyond my wildest dreams.
Stop eating so many cookies.
Get people to stop saying, “Sco…” which is a stupid and obnoxious way of saying, “Let’s go [Ducks].”
Have a limited theatrical release for my movie House For Sale. Directed by and starring Colby Alexander.
Play in the NBA celebrity All-star game.
Be presented with the key to a city, any city.
Finally get everyone to like me.
Grow a beard.
That’s twenty-one goals: one for each 17.3 day period of the year. I’ll try to check back next year to see how I’ve done. Until then, if you're chasing your own goals, good luck with whatever they may be (unless you play for the New England Patriots and/or are an immoral person).